How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford professor, “Touchy Feely”)

My Notes

• a16z podcast #media

• Amazon.com: Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues eBook : Robin Ph.D., Carole: Kindle Store #book

• leaders should ask question: why should somebody follow me? you want to show up as a referent figure, somebody they say about "i want to be like him"

• how to build relationships? through "disclosure" -> allowing ourself to become more known by other person

• "vegas rule" -> what happens in vegas, stays in vegas

• buy two copies of the book #^997991 -> first for yourself, second for somebody else you want to develop better relation and practice tips from that book

• vulnerability and disclosure tends to be reciprocal -> if i say something person, the other person feels obligated to do the same, and say something personal
  

• -> if you want to learn something, you have to step out from your comfort zone by 15% -> so you learn but not steps into danger zone

• how do i know i am in learning zone? you will feel a little bit uncomfortable/uneasy

• proper disclosure -> be vulnerable but mind your audience

  • #communication/tip eg. "ok no secret to most of you, that is third time we lost market share, and i would i could sya why is that, and what exactly we should do about it, but i dont, and I have never needed you all more"

• how do you inspire anybody without feelings?

• start by admitting mistakes, especially if everyone knows you made one -> you actually lose more credibility by ignoring it, than admitting it
  #vocabulary

• anger is often a secondary emotion, anger is trying to hide our true emotion → anger usually means "fear or being hurt"

• is somebody anger about something? try to find what is true emotion behind it. eg does it fear we will not reach oru goals and company will die?

• how to talk/communicate missed deadline or any other team failure?

  • #communication/tip eg. "so gang, i am deeply worried and afraid that I am the only person here, who is concerned about this mis-deadline as I am, and what is going to mean it for our customers."

• anger is distancing emotion, whereas hurt, fear, sadness, joy are connecting emotion -> build trust with yout team showing true emotion behind anger, but not anger itself.

• incorrect common mental models

  • if i tell you something vulnerable about me, you will take advantage of me
  • if i give you #communication/feedback , it is gonna ruin our relationship

• a strong leader is the person, who knows how to give feedback in a way, that builds relation with the person who receiving it #10x-leader

• constructive #communication/feedback should focus on problem-solving conversation, not changing the other person

• when someone responds in a way you didn’t expect, ask them, “What did you hear me say?” Most of the time, the other person heard something incorrect. Follow up with “I’m glad I asked; let me try that again.”

• never use the phrase negative feedback -> #communication/feedback is either constrictive or complimentary

• feedback builds relationships

• questions which starts with "why", are gonna make another person "defensive", eg. "why are you upset?", prefer questions which starts with "what", eg. what is this about? what's going on? where is this manifesting? -> start away from "why"

• Leaders don't need to know all answers, the leader's job is to make sure the best answer is found, it does not matter from whom it came #10x-leader

  • "lets think about it together"

• #10x-leader you as a leader are not meant to provide answers... but how to react? "I could give you the answer, but i will not, because i don't think it will serve you well, and because it is not my job... my job is to turn you into somebody who eventually will just know the right answer"

• if something goes wrong, always ask "so, what did you learn?"

• hallmarks of exceptional relationship:

  1. You can be more fully yourself, and so can the other person.
  2. Both of you are willing to be vulnerable.
  3. You trust that self-disclosures will not be used against you.
  4. You can be honest with each other.
  5. You deal with conflict productively.
  6. Both of you are committed to each other’s growth and development.

AI Summary

Main Idea:

The text is a transcript of a podcast featuring Carol Robin, an influential mentor and teacher in interpersonal dynamics. She shares insights on building exceptional relationships, improving leadership by being more authentically connected and communicative with others, uncovering the pitfalls of common societal mental models, the significance of vulnerability in leadership, and the art of giving and receiving feedback effectively.

List of at Least 5 Main Ideas:

1. Building strong relationships: "many people told you your class at Stanford made them feel like their entire college tuition was worth it" - This highlights the profound impact of Carol Robin's teachings on interpersonal dynamics and relationship building as a significant and highly valued aspect of education.

2. Effective Feedback: "I want to talk about how to give feedback well" - Mastering the delivery of feedback is essential since poor execution often leads to defensiveness rather than constructive dialogue. Knowing how to communicate feedback effectively is crucial for personal and professional growth.

3. Three Realities: "we don't understand that we are only privy to two out of the three" - This concept provides insight into the nature of communication gaps and misunderstandings. Acknowledging that we are often unaware of the other person's reality can improve our interactions significantly.

4. Anger as a secondary emotion: "anger is often a secondary emotion" - Recognizing that emotions like fear or hurt often underlie anger can transform how we interpret and respond to situations, enabling more profound connections rather than creating distance.

5. Interpersonal competence in leadership: "people do business with people not ideas" - This highlights the significance of personal connections in business and leadership, emphasizing the need for interpersonal skills to inspire and lead effectively.

List of Another 5 Important Ideas:

1. Vulnerability in leadership: "a willingness to be vulnerable makes you more not less influential as a leader" - The idea that vulnerability can augment a leader's impact is a reversal of common corporate thinking, which often shies away from emotional openness.

2. Mental models: "we're often trapped in mental models that we formed when we were younger" - The exploration of how early-formed mental models limit our potential and perception illustrates the need for continual personal development.

3. Disclosure for stronger relationships: "disclosing 15% more than you naturally feel comfortable with" - Incremental self-disclosure can enhance trust and intimacy in relationships, making us more effective leaders and collaborators.

4. Functional and robust relationships: "we might in my wildest dreams even have a more functional government" - The ability to nurture at least functional and robust relationships can impact not just teams and organizations but also larger societal structures.

5. Feedback as a builder of relationships: "feedback... is going to build a relationship" - Shifting the perspective of feedback from a potentially destructive force to a relational builder changes the approach and potential outcomes when communicating issues.

Detailed Summary:

• Carol Robin's Influence: For over 20 years, Carol Robin has taught Stanford's "touchy feely" course, building strong leaders through interpersonal dynamics.
• Foundations of Relationship Building: Emphasis on transparency, vulnerability, and understanding the three realities of interactions is key to effective feedback and leadership.
• Giving Feedback: Questions starting with "what", "when", "where", "how", and avoiding "why". Use the formula: "When you... I feel... because..." for feedback.
• Anger as a Secondary Emotion: Understanding that anger often masks fear or hurt can lead to more compassionate responses and closer connections.
• Vulnerability in Leadership: Revealing one's own weaknesses can inspire trust, foster better problem-solving, and enhance mutual understanding in teams.
• Mental Models: Recognizing and challenging our mental models uncovers hidden limitations and leads to expanded avenues for personal and relationship growth.
• Functionality of Relationships: The skills underlying strong relationships at any level can significantly impact the functionality of broader societal structures.
• Interpersonal Skills in Business: Interpersonal competence is a crucial determiner of both personal and professional success, enabling better business conduct and relationships.

Quotes by the Narrator:

• Carol's Impact: "many people told you your class at Stanford made them feel like their entire college tuition was worth it"
• Feedback and Defensiveness: "I want to talk about how to give feedback well"
• Three Realities Concept: "we don't understand that we are only privy to two out of the three"
• Anger's Root Causes: "anger is often a secondary emotion"
• Leadership Skills: "people do business with people not ideas... interpersonal competence is a determinant of both personal and professional success"

Footnotes:

The text also contains promotional material about a podcast and various services unrelated to the main content. These references have been excluded from the summary in keeping with the instructions not to include self-promotion.